Seize the damn day. That's why I do the things I do. Because I don't want to end up unhappy, but ironically, here I am.

Unhappy.

Things these days are so different; days ago, I was heartbroken by the way my supposed best friend has been completely dissing me for some guy whom I honestly see nothing in. I couldn't be less positive about it. And she thinks that one week alone time with me is gonna patch us up. I don't believe you can fix something that can't be. Anyways, after being mortally humiliated through/by her, I came to realize there are so many other great girls out there, I've just been so blinded by it all to look past them all.

Then again, opening my eyes just complicates things, just like it always does. There are just certain things that I'd love to do, to give a shot for, but so many obstacles lie in the trodden path. I need to build a bridge to overcome these certain complications, because, well, I guess I can't delve too deep into that.

The fact remains that there is nothing wrong with me, or my feelings. I feel the way I do for a reason. Hell if even know what it means, but damnit, I want to find out. There is nothing, there should be nothing that should ever stop someone's feelings.

Why there is is still yet unknown to me, but my dear, one chance with this......


Yes, I'm distressed. Yes, I'm lost. But I feel like I'm finding myself slowly....
Don't take that away.

So. This girl's got me in a tangle of so many sorts. I could seriously write a book on this. All the signs and signals are there. The chemistry is there. The love. The friendship. The laughter. The fights. The make-ups to those fights. It's ALL there. All of it. Yet, for the life of me, and for Fate and Time's last five and a half years, and especially this past year (my senior year), nothing has physically happened. We are the best of friends, but nothing has fully blossomed into a relationship of any sort. It's like a rose try to burst out of its bud, but for the life of it, it can't at all. The metaphors are endless. The love is endless. You may call me naive all you want, and tell me that I should be looking elsewhere and that this is all a bust. That I'm just a kid. That I should live life. That I shouldn't worry about this aspect of my life so much.

But I do, and I can't help it, it's perhaps a strange obsession of mine. My parents have tought me that I loving relationship makes all things better, that relationships are fantastic things, and I never really started to understand that until I started dating. And then I met here. Of course, she was already in the depths of a very large and very emtionally straining relationship, filled with love, hate, passion, and sometimes, regret, jealousy , and in my case, watching them... unhealthiness to their emotional state. And I could do nothing but do that - watch. And it hurt me everyday. Especially the day where he crossed the line and said she couldn't hug me because I was of the male race. Absolutely appaling. But she was blinded by the love and passion. And I can understand that - I was blinded by a girl for half a year, until I gave her all I could give someone. And that still hurts me to this day. I cannot forgot it. I don't yet know if that's a good thing, but I know one thing, it tought me that life's too short. I needed someone to care for me when no one else would. I needed someone to laugh at me when I did something so stupid others would usually yell at my dumb acts. I needed her, and she answered the call without hesitation. I may be naive, but I saw something in her eyes that said - hey, don't ever give her up. You might call me crazy for that, but I'm still here, after a year of ups and downs for us both. And I still love her as much as ever. No joke, hell, I might even say I love her more now than I did a year ago, because it just keeps growing. It just won't become a rose yet. And still there are thorns. The thorns of her past relationships and reluctantness to fall for her best friend. She doesn't want to give up that aspect of her loving friendship with me, because she doesn't want the closeness to disappear. She doesn't want to be blinded by love. She doesn't want to believe she's falling for me, but I myself can't help it. She is, but she just doesn't want to, because she doesn't want our friendship to go away, but I don't believe that will happen. I just get the feeling I'm making this whole situation more complicated than it is.

I've just never had to worry about this. This girl isn't just a girl. She is, in fact, the girl of my dreams. I don't want to keep telling others she's only a friend. I want the world to know that there is no other girl like her in the world. I want to shout it from the rooftops that she is mine. And I've never had that feeling before. She's just the most confusing and yet the most understandable girl I have ever met. I could go on and on.... but most of you know the whole story. She's such an influence on my life, as is God, and my family, and at the moment, they're the only important things in my life. I'm not really letting too many other people in, but then again, most don't want in - so it's a two-way road.

I just wish I had the guts to risk it, because I have the notion and feeling that this would all be worth it, that we're menat to be. But I am reluctant if she is. Damn these human feelings. Why can't this just be simple?

Again I say it, I'm in a tangle of sorts.
Why won't the bud bloom?

Hopefully it will this summer.

We'll see.

Bloom, rose, bloom. And I will cut all of your unneccesary thorns off.


P.S. IF you all know the story, then you should all know that I'm not crazy, and that these feelings have been mutual from the start. Some crazys think that I am the only one with the feelings for her, and that they are unreturned. Oh no. They are. I swear, if you see us together, you'd swear we've been dating for years. No joke. That is all for the ps.

Wow.

Four years.

They weren't joking when they said it would go by so fast.


It's almost all over. Just seven days. Jeez.

I won't see most of these people ever again.

7 days and I'll leave it all behind. God, I am going to cry the hardest this last week.





I don't want to let go.

It's been far too long, LiveJournal. I've mistakenly put you on the backburner. You don't deserve to be ignored by me, you deserve to have my incessant ramblings and insignificant dribble inserted into text here. Yes, that's what I'll do now. It may be short, it may be long, but it will be an entry - and that's good, considering the last entry is... well.... look at it. Yeah. Not good. Anyways, I'm sure all of you had rather hear about someone's life that is more exciting than yours truly, but, you're gonna have to deal. I'm graduating soon, so you won't have to deal with my babble for too much longer. Anyways, there's much to say except... I got accepted to UCF. Woop? Yeah. Cool stuff. Anddddd.... hm, went to Thespian state. Met some cool Space Coast Kids. Uhhhhhm. Met Rachel from Mel Hi (technically.... not really formally :-p) - that was cool. We share some common... issues. Which will be left undisclosed.... until they are fixed/taken care of. Yeah - so, been dealing with that too. And it's so close. Ah. This next few weeks is gonna be hell for me. Ap exams, chorus concerts, band concerts, one acts, work, totsie coming home, EGHS prom, UCF auditions, grad bash, band banquet, and a whole slew of other things... then graduation the 20th. I'm so pumped. It's so sad to be leaving though. I have so many underclassmen/junior friends. (hahaha, yeah, I do have some friends) - but it's just sad to leave them. They'll get over it though... they probably don't even remember my name!

Anyways... it's getting late, I'll update later some.... maybe something insightful, but for now....

Goodnight, sweetheart....

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

:)

It seems I have let up on my journal for some odd reason. Maybe LJ is a fad, maybe it isn't. But I still think I should let feelings out on a regular basis. To let others know where I am, and just for personal... well... just to feel good letting it all out.

So lately, I've thought way too much about this relationship.
My parents hate her. My sister hates her. My brother thinks she's hot. Ew. Ugh. Terrible.
She's had so many chances to be such a good girlfriend, but, most of the time, forgets the little things... not saying thank you to my parents when they paid for her dinner after Forum (which she was late to)
She's having problems with the rents of her own, they want her out of the house by the end of this month. Rediculous. She needs a house over her head, and that's just wrong, bad, unloving parenting.
She's crying. And I don't want her to be over-stressed.
She's done so much wrong.
Hell, it's been a month.... and where are we? A few pecks here, a few there. Maybe holding hands once or twice. But I don't even want the physicality as much as I want the next thing.
I need a best friend to be my companion, my life partner, I realized that. And she cannot fill in that void. I find myself not fully listening to her, which is just horrible.
I just think I'm not into her that much.
But the crazy thing is, I still have hope.
Maybe it's false hope, but there's a part of me that says everything will work out the way it should.

But for somereason, I don't think it's with me. And I have a feeling, at leaset now, that very soon, stress will overcome her, and I cannot be a burden to her, as I was to other girlfriends when they had family problems. I care about her, but she just dioesn't show it fully as much as I would like her to. Maybe that's asking too much - maybe she can't give me that.

What the hell am I doing? What the hell should I do?

At some points, I think... if I'm even thinking about it, I should just break up with her now. But I can't pull myself to.


No, that's not all. On top of all that, there's always my best friend, the only one girl that can give me everything that I would want in a girl. But she's in MI, duh. And well, there are extenuating circumstances to add to that to. But I could, and call me fuckin' crazy, be content - yes, this is me saying this, with her foir my life. I've known her for 6 years, and have not once been "tired" of her. Not one conversation has she NOT made me smile. She's just amazing. And our familiers get together well. And my rents love her. And so do I. I know that. I would, if it were possible, grab the next plane to Newport, Michigan and confess my undying, true, unselfish love for her and would make her my own. But that only happens in movies. Fairy tales. Dreams. Not real life. And she's just so... perfect for me. I told her, and she agreed, that we are meant to be. And although we are so far apart, we seem to get closer everyday. And it's amazing. No joke. But the way things are, the way things are working, that just doesn't seem to be happening.

I feel things for her I could never feel for Cassie. Or anyone. Not even Vanessa.

I wish everything would just work out.
Just let me everything will work out.

Just. Someone. I feel lost. I feel so stupid to let this all out, but I have to.